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Casting an Adam Sandler movie for every NFL coach

Let’s make movie magic.

“Pixels” New York Premiere - Outside Arrivals Photo by Brent N. Clarke/FilmMagic

I’ve had roughly 24 hours to ruminate on Home Team, the movie that has Kevin James playing Sean Payton in the most ridiculous example of sports movie casting in recent history.

So many people are wondering “How did this even happen?” and the answer is simple: Adam Sandler. Sandler’s “Happy Madison” is producing the movie, and if there’s one thing we know about Sandler, it’s that he will do always put his friends in movies. Sandler is basically the greatest buddy anyone could ever have if you’re an actor, because he’s going to keep you working forever — even if it makes no sense. Like, I dunno, Kevin James playing Sean Payton.

This got me thinking. What if Sandler was commissioned to make movies about EVERY NFL team’s coach. What the heck would that look like? Now, keep in mind we’re not trying to cast actually good people for the role. We’re trying to replicate James as Payton here, so it has to be people Sandler uses in his movies time, and time again — regardless of whether they fit or not.

  • Arizona Cardinals: Kliff Kingsbury played by ... Nick Swardson
  • Atlanta Falcons: Arthur Smith played by ... Kevin James
  • Baltimore Ravens: John Harbaugh played by ... Christopher McDonald
THE NORTHERN TRUST - Round Two Photo by Chris Condon/PGA TOUR
  • Buffalo Bills: Sean McDermott played by ... Michael Chiklis
  • Carolina Panthers: Matt Rhule played by ... Dan Patrick
  • Chicago Bears: Matt Nagy played by ... Kevin James
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Zac Taylor played by ... David Spade
  • Cleveland Browns: Kevin Stefanski played by ... Dave Matthews
  • Dallas Cowboys: Mike McCarthy played by ... Kevin James
  • Denver Broncos: Vic Fangio played by ... John Turturro
46th Chaplin Award Gala Honoring Spike Lee - Arrivals Photo by Jim Spellman/WireImage,
  • Detroit Lions: Dan Campbell played by ... Jon Lovitz
  • Green Bay Packers: Matt LeFleur played by ... Andy Samberg
  • Houston Texans: David Culley played by ... Kevin James
  • Indianapolis Colts: Frank Reich played by ... Dustin Hoffman
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: Urban Meyer played by ... Steve Buscemi
  • Kansas City Chiefs: Andy Reid played by ... Kevin James
  • Las Vegas Raiders: Rich Bisaccia played by ... Peter Dante
  • Los Angeles Chargers: Brandon Staley played by ... Chris Kattan
  • Los Angeles Rams: Sean McVay played by ... Dana Carvey
  • Miami Dolphins: Brian Flores played by ... Kevin Hart
  • Minnesota Vikings: Mike Zimmer played by ... Kevin James
  • New England Patriots: Bill Belichick played by ... Christopher Walken
8th Champs Elysees Film Festival : Day Six Photo by Foc Kan/WireImage
  • New York Giants: Joe Judge played by ... Adam Sandler
  • New York Jets: Robert Saleh played by ... Adam Sandler
  • Philadelphia Eagles: Nick Siriani played by ... Rob Schneider
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Tomlin played by ... Chris Rock
  • San Francisco 49ers: Kyle Shanahan played by ... Chris Parnell
  • Seattle Seahawks: Pete Carroll played by ... Henry Winkler
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bruce Arians played by ... Brian Cox
  • Tennessee Titans: Mike Vrabel played by ... Colin Quinn
  • Washington Football Team: Ron Rivera played by ... Kevin James