Urban Meyer is out as Jaguars head coach, and it’s time for the football coach to find a new career. It’s not like Meyer needs to work, I mean, the dude has been paid ludicrous amounts of money for much of his adult life, but money doesn’t always mean you’re content.
Meyer taught a class on leadership at Ohio State, so naturally he has interests outside of football — so let’s find him a new career.
Here’s a unique opportunity to spend an afternoon with one of the biggest winners in (college) football history. Urban Meyer will spend the afternoon with your organization or school, offering unique seminars like “I’m a winner, and all of you are losers” and “I’m in too deep: How to blame those around you when things go wrong.”
Your business will never be the same again after a visit by Meyer, we guarantee it.
First contestant on the new VH1 reality show Grinding with the Stars
You’ve seen them do the Cha-Cha, but what about getting nasty? From producer Brett Michaels comes Grinding with the Stars. We take 10 old, gross dudes and have them grind on women half their age. Our judges will evaluate how uncomfortable this made them, and whether they could keep their lunch down while watching.
Tune in this summer to Grinding with the Stars, airing after the We Love the 90s marathon.
Okay, this is a real one. Someone will probably offer Meyer a job as a college football analyst and it’s going to make for really boring TV. Still, networks love old coaches.
Becoming a really shitty version of Ted Lasso
An American football coach in the world of soccer?! It could happen! Join Urban Meyer as he travels to England to coach a small, down on its luck squad looking to regain greatness. I promise these footballers aren’t ready for Meyer, as he calls them “stupid moron losers.”
What happens when Meyer, clearly confused about the game, signs running back Carlos Hyde? How will the British press adapt to his unique form of leadership? We can’t wait to find out.
Author of the self-help book Circle of Trust
Learn the tips to a happy life by shutting out anyone who isn’t immediately beneficial to you. Urban Meyer has the tips to make your life more insular and hollow, which he details in Circle of Trust.
Follow Urban’s five-step recipe for success:
- Determine who can help you
- Shun anyone who can’t
- Invite your best allies into your Circle of Trust
- Give them preferential treatment
- Run away when the heat is on
College football coach
Because some athletic director is going to be desperate enough to suggest Meyer’s name in a couple of years, and it’s going to happen. Watch.
TV gardening expert
Nobody can motivate plants better than Urban Meyer. In his new new HGTV show Urban Gardening Meyer will show you how you can grow plants using a new patented technique of yelling at them, and depriving them of hydration.
Gardening will never be the same.
New coach at Cobra Kai
Urban knows how to sweep the leg.
Corporate nepotism consultant
For an exorbitant consulting fee, Urban Meyer will look at your contacts to determine who you should hire into your organization. It doesn’t matter that your 4th grade friend has no experience in supply chain management, you were friends! That’s enough to make him your new head of logistics.
In a matter of weeks, Meyer will transform your business from a well-oiled machine, to an incompetent disaster — but at least that disaster will be fun, because he’s made sure you’ve hired nothing but your old friends and family members!