And then there were four. With the Washington Commanders unveiling “Major Tuddy” last week, the commander pig of your dreams, there are now only four teams remaining without mascots in the NFL.
He's kind of a pig deal...— Washington Commanders (@Commanders) January 1, 2023
WELCOME OUR NEW MASCOT, ! pic.twitter.com/N6eMy6goiV
The Packers, Chargers, Jets and Giants are the final holdouts from joining the rest of the league in having a fun anthropomorphic figure that not only children can enjoy, but drunk fans can worship like a god as well.
At this point there’s no reason to hold out, and I felt a need to pitch in and help these teams settle on their new mascots. To do this I used a highly scientific process of getting some keywords courtesy of Google autocomplete, and plugging them into the A.I. art program “DALL E 2” in order to get the perfect mascot designs for these teams. From there I’m offering a name, and brief synopsis for how this all fits together to paint a beautiful picture worthy of immortality on the field.
Packers fans, meet ... Lombard!
AI prompt used: ayahuasca football coach mascot embezzle
This mascot is strongly influenced by people Googling the extra curricular activities of Aaron Rodgers and Brett Favre this season, but it’s kind of perfect. Lombard is all about being a serious football coach in the vein of the greatest of all time, Vince Lombardi — and marrying it with a bold psychedelic look of a dude you’d love to party with.
I’m not sure why Lombard has a top row of teeth and then another row on the side of his cheek rather than the bottom — but tell me people wouldn’t support this guy on the sidelines each and every week.
Jets fans, meet ... Yaeger
AI prompt: sad fan draft fighter jet mascot
I don’t know about you, but I think Yaeger has the right stuff! I don’t know if this is a wolf, a bunny rabbit, or a dog — but I know I just want to cuddle this. Every single mascot is snarling or flexing, what’s wrong with a little vulnerability?
Yaeger has been around. He’s seen some shit. Know who else has? Jets fans. This mascot should really be able to connect to the long suffering fanbase who are used to having so much hope, believing so much, and watching them dashed time and time again. I’m all about eventually converting Yaeger so it has a smile — but for now, leave it as is.
Chargers fans, meet ... Bolton
AI prompt: sassy charger mascot la herbert
I don’t know why “sassy” is a part of Google’s autocompletes for several Chargers questions, but I’m fine with it. When we think of the most important chargers in our lives it always comes back to the phone charger, and I think tapping into that is a great place for a mascot.
I don’t know if this is really a charger or a phone itself, or if it’s plugged into itself? There’s a lot going on here I don’t quite understand — but I like that sassy smile and those piercing eyes.
Giants fans, meet ... G.I. ANT
AI prompt: ny giants generals mascot qb coach obj
It’s a little weird have two military mascots in the same division but who cares? G.I. ANT rocks. I love that the AI somehow pulled the idea of him being a giant ant, as well as playing the worlds smallest violin. For who? I don’t know ... but it gives this some edge.
I know there’s color adjustment to be done, as with all these mascots, but if you imagine G.I. ANT in red with a blue army helmet this would be absolutely perfect. The grey offsets it all nicely — and that big toothy smile makes this mascot look like nothing else in the NFL.
I don’t know what “obj” brought to the table in the prompt, other than Google autocomplete told me I had to add it.