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Our ‘Madden’ sim of the Super Bowl was the greatest game of all time

Nobody played any defense in our ‘Madden’ Super Bowl.

We’re deep into Super Bowl week and everyone is trying to work out who is going to win. Truth is, nobody knows, especially not Madden 23 — but I had to sim it anyway.

There’s something special about doing a full 15 minute simulation of a football game and watching intently. You pass the uncanny valley and hit the sublime. You start knowing this is a game, then it starts to feel real, before you quickly realize that there is no way anything you’re seeing could actually happen in an NFL game.

Still, my complete simulation of Super Bowl LVII gave us one of the greatest games of all time.

First quarter

It’s abundantly clear nobody is interested in playing defense in the Super Bowl. The game begins with Britain Covey returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown.

Eagles lead 7-0

Mahomes marches back down, get the ball to the goal line and Isiah Pacheco punches it in for the touchdown.

Game tied 7-7

The Eagles fail to make an impact on their first full drive and are forced to punt. Mahomes responds by marching down the field again, this time finding an open Travis Kelce for the touchdown.

Chiefs lead 14-7

The game slows down a little at this point. Both teams find their rhythm. There’s a nice deep pass from Jalen Hurts to DeVonta Smith, which I’m mostly including because he sits on the defending player, then tries to keep running.

The Eagles continue their long, 11 play drive and finally get across the goal line on a Miles Sanders run.

Game tied 14-14

Second quarter

Both teams are just trading punches, and then Mahomes makes a critical mistake (Spoiler: It’s his only of the game).

I’m not going to lie, I love offensive football but this is just dumb. I decided to go make a sandwich because both teams just kept scoring without either playing any defense. Mahomes and Hurts were completing over 90 percent of their passes, there was no pass rush ... and the game got really boring for a little while.

The score at halftime is tied 28-28

Third quarter

I’m going to spare you again, because I promise this game got buckwild at the end. Both teams score one more touchdown and it’s 35-35 entering the fourth quarter.

Fourth quarter

Okay, here we go. I’m locked back in because this game is getting wild. The Chiefs more or less keep doing the same thing over and over and over again: Mahomes marches the team down inside the five yard line, and then Pacheco punches it in.

I’m sorry I don’t have a clip of the next TD, but the Xbox network went wacky. It was a huge 55 yard bomb to Marquez Valdes-Scantling that felt like the backbreaker for the Eagles.

Chiefs lead 42-35

Hell no, Jalen Hurts isn’t going gently into that good night. Nick Sirianni baffles the Chiefs with the RPO, and Hurts runs all over Kansas City on the following drive. Finally, showing serious toughness in the pocket, Hurts throws a screen pass to Sanders, knowing he’s going to get obliterated — but it ties the game with five minutes left.

Game tied 42-42

The clock is ticking down, and Sirianni inexplicably decides to burn TWO timeouts with the Chiefs still inside their own territory and the two minute warning left to run. It winds up being a huge mistake because the Eagles manage to stop Kansas City and force a 45 yard field goal to tie the game, but KC is able to let the clock run all the way down to the 35 second mark before Harrison Butker converts and gives them the edge.

Kansas City leads 45-42

I’m thinking to myself “35 seconds and no time outs is bad, but it’s not impossible.” Then clock management makes it impossible. The Eagles dial up a short pass to Sanders where he’s unable to go out of bounds, and then they take FOREVER to dial up a play and get back to the line of scrimmage.

We’re left with Hurts being asked to throw a Hail Mary with four seconds left on the clock and he basically freezes like a statue for 10 seconds before completing the saddest pass to end it all.

Kansas City Chiefs win Super Bowl LVII 45-42

Who won the MVP?

I’m not going to lie, I was absolutely crushed that for some reason EA Sports does all this work on presentation, but doesn’t award an MVP at the end of the Super Bowl.

All logic says that Mahomes would win this award, but in my world Jalen Hurts played a far better complete game. I know a member of the losing team never wins MVP (it only happened once in Super Bowl V with Chuck Howley), but this is my simulation and I do what I want — so JALEN HURTS IS SUPER BOWL MVP!

Got a problem with that? Look at the numbers:

In addition to the passing, Hurts ran the ball 10 times for 75 yards and another touchdown — giving him over 400 all-purpose yard and playing a role in all five Eagles touchdowns.

So, there you have it folks. When it comes to Madden 23 the Chiefs will win it all, but it will be the greatest football game of all time — outside of the necessary snack break in the second quarter when you’re tired of seeing offense all the time.