Happy March 10th everyone, or as Nintendo is calling it “Mar10 Day.” I’m going to be calling it Mario Day from now on, because “Mar10” sounds too much like an edgelord’s Xbox handle.
In any event, Mario Day got me thinking about the history of Mario Sports games, and also the supreme disappointment that we’re yet to see a Mario Football. For a sport with the popularity of football it’s honestly astonishing we haven’t seen Mario and friends put on helmets and hit the gridiron.
On first thought you might pause and say “these characters would be horrible at playing football,” but au contraire, dear reader. We have an unstoppable force of football prowess which would dominate ANY team in the NFL. The Mario universe has established that its denizens have near endless energy, so we’re going to have several players take the field two ways like a high school team.
WR2: Princess Peach
LT: Donkey Kong
LG: King Boo
RT: Whomp King
This offense is putting up 100 points a game and nobody is stopping them. At first glance you might think putting Mario at quarterback is a liability, but he’s the jack-of-all trades player we need. It’s been established that despite his diminutive size, Mario is a master improviser, with excellent speed and strength. He’s a dual threat quarterback who can absolutely run this offense.
Toad at running back is a game changer. Despite only being 1’4” and 14 pounds in his official bio, Toad’s speed and jumping is beyond elite for a player his size. Furthermore, how do you train ANYONE to tackle a 1’4” guy who is easily a solid foot of head. Everything is going to be flagged for a shot to the dome, and that’s assuming you even come up with a way to tackle a dude who is halfway up your shin.
On the other end of the spectrum, we have our elite one-two punch of Walugi and Rosalina in the passing game. Fun fact: Did you know that Waluigi is officially 7’7” and Rosalina is 7’3”? Who is defending that in the NFL? Nobody.
The offensive line is mean and varied. There’s a literal wall at right tackle in Whomp King to open holes for tiny Toad.
DE: Donkey Kong
DE: Whomp King
OLB: Princess Daisy
I didn’t want Luigi to feel left out, so I envision the Mario team just running a deep prevent for Luigi, and by that I mean that everyone basically plays defense and Luigi stands back in his own end zone picking flowers or something. Don’t get me wrong, I love Luigi, but he cannot be trusted with any important role on a football team.
This is all about the pass rush and an utter inability to throw on this team. We’ve already discussed the seven foot height of both Waluigi and Rosalina, but how is any offensive line going to deal with Donkey Kong’s swim move off the edge, paired with Bowser anchoring the middle with his 8’5”, 2,600 pound frame?
Between Bowser and Whomp King you’ve literally blocked off an entire side of the field, then when you read across to the other side DK is all up in your face. Donkey Kong is listed at 7’10” with arms that reach to to his knees while standing. If we math this out, then considering DK’s shorter legs and mammoth torso we can project a standing reach of roughly 13 feet. If he doesn’t literally throw you to the ground he’s putting his arms up and batting away a pass like a rotten banana.
K: Princess Peach
P: Princess Peach
Peach is an elite kicker in every Mario Sports game, not that she’ll ever really need to kick or punt in our games. Toad is also going to score off every single kickoff, running like a bat out of hell micro machine of pure energy. No team has a chance.