It's always notable when several key players go down at the same time. Sure, injuries are a part of hockey, but surely this many players from some of the NHL's best teams can't all have gotten hurt in the same week. It's all a little fishy.
So SB Nation contacted anonymous sources deep within the Red Wings, Ducks and Canucks to find out what's really going on with these guys. And the answers will shock you.
#13 / Center / Detroit Red Wings
Jul 20, 1978
Official story: Sustained a possible concussion from a hit by Ottawa's Jared Cowen on Saturday night. Datsyuk missed Detroit's next game Sunday in Buffalo.
REAL story: The dazzling Datsyuk was indeed concussed by Cowen, but Red Wings team doctors decided to hold him out of the Sabres game for fear that in his weakened state being surrounded by Buffalo players wearing their new third jerseys for the first time could cause long-term damage to Datsyuk's eyes and central nervous system.
#23 / Defenseman / Anaheim Ducks
Jun 04, 1980
Official story: Placed on injured reserve on Friday following a crash into the boards in a game against New Jersey on November 20th.
REAL story: Beauchemin actually contracted a nasty case of food poisoning after eating at Orange County's first (and so far, only) Poutine restaurant, the Justin Bieber-owned, Poutine Age Wasteland.
#30 / Goalie / Anaheim Ducks
Aug 08, 1982
Official story: Has a muscle inflammation that will keep him out for up to a month and was placed on injured reserve on Saturday. Unfortunately, he was about to return from a month-long injury when he was hurt again in warm-ups.
REAL story: Fasth took a spear in his stomach during a Hunger Games-style battle to the death between the 171 goalies the Ducks have in their system. During the games, Fasth assassinated four other Ducks goalies, including 48 year-old Mikhail Shtalenkov.
#5 / Defenseman / Anaheim Ducks
Jan 30, 1990
Official story: Tore a wrist ligament in a game against Tampa Bay on November 22nd and will miss 6-8 weeks.
REAL story: Sbisa placed himself on IR after seeing teammates Beauchemin and Fasth sitting out and assuming it was part of some team-wide prank on coach Bruce Boudreau. Boudreau was not amused.
#7 / Left Wing / Vancouver Canucks
Nov 24, 1984
Official story: Not injured, but has been made a healthy scratch by coach John Tortorella for "not being prepared to play." He may be waived and sent to the AHL soon.
REAL story: On Sunday, Booth filed a claim with the NHL arguing that his hurt feelings and damaged pride qualified him for being placed on "Indignant Reserve."
This is satire. We know, the Sabres thing was actually pretty believable.
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