Ten: I was annoyed with you. I wouldn’t say I was mad, just annoyed.
You know how much I love football, and how much I love invention. I can even appreciate the occasional chaotic element.
But any game of considerable size, and especially this size, has to be smartly built. You have to think of the audience, and especially the players.
Juice: well nobody’s makin em play this. they like what they like
Ten: I know, I know, listen. I’m not taking that away from them, and it’s clear how much this means to you. I felt bad about reacting the way I did.
So I figured I’d take the rest of the night off. Look at the stars for a while. Watch the sunrise.
Problem was, I’d only come out of hibernation for a few hours, and my quantum channel hadn’t fully come back online yet. So this morning, I just watched it from out here.
Juice: from out THERE? uh
you’re still cruisin at 7 miles a second right
Ten: 7.6 miles per second, yes.
Juice: you’ve been out there for like 18,000 years, so that’d put you about
4 trillion miles from the sun?
Ten: 4,399,696,005,807 miles. Now it’s 4,399,696,005,849. Now it’s 4,399,696,005,889. Now it’s 4,399,696,005,933. Now it’s 4,399,696,005,975. Now it’s 4,399,696,006,022. Now it’s 4,399,696,006,062. Now it’s
Juice: LOL QUIT IT you know i hate it when you do that
Ten: I know you do.
Juice: remember when you did that for a month straight
that would’ve been in the 94th century i think?
Ten: March of 9303.
You wanna see the sunrise I saw this morning?
Juice: HA FUCK
being you sucks
Ten: Well, this is the price for being 4.4 trillion miles away from your stupid ass. Fair deal if you ask me.
Juice: that’s no way to talk to the buddy who was nice enough to record the sunrise for you this morning
Ten: You didn’t.
Juice: i did. i figured you wouldn’t be fully online yet
it’s from your favorite spot, too
Ten: Oh my God, Husky Stadium. Look at that.
This is my first real sunrise in two thousand years. Thank you.
Juice: hope you don’t mind, i forgot to remove the field overlay
Ten: No no no, it’s okay. Look at … wow, it goes across Union Bay, then up over the mountains ...
Oh. Did you give Nine the reorientation exam?
Juice: yeah they’re taking it now
i mean Nine clearly seemed to have their bearings but i figured it was a good idea just to make sure
looks like they’re acing it so far
Test: SECTION 4: ESSAY QUESTIONS. All answers are required.
In broad terms, please describe the period of human history between the years 2026 and 20020. All answers are required.
Nine: In 2026, for reasons that are still not understood, human beings stopped aging, stopped becoming ill, and stopped being born. Thereafter, advanced nanotechnology was developed that protected all human life on Earth from physical harm, effectively rendering humans immortal beings. This led to post-scarcity societies in which physical, political, and economic conflict effectively vanished.
Human ambitions then shifted to territorial expansion and technological advances. In the former case, it quickly became apparent that extraterrestrial exploration was infeasible, light-speed travel was impossible, and outer space offered little to nothing of interest to human beings. In the latter case, humans found that their present technologies were entirely sufficient. Further advances were seen as at best unnecessary, and at worst erosive of their cultures and lifestyles.
Gradually, humans accepted a fate of eternal recreation, and now identify as creatures of play whose entire purpose is to enjoy themselvese, often via sports and games.
Test: Thank you.
Nine: OK
Test: Your answer is very much appreciated.
Nine: …
Test: Hope you are doing well!
Nine: Juice did you write this test? I know this is you.
Test: Okay, bye!
Nine: bye
Test: Hello again! This is the test speaking.
Nine: FUck you man
Test: Would you like to be friends with me?
Nine: sdkjbhjkjbfbjlsnvkl
Test: It is very lonely being a test! The essay question is the closest I ever get to having a conversation! Please don’t go! Save me! I love you!
Nine: asss ass ass ufck ass fuck ass
Ten: Oh what the fuck
I already wrote us a perfectly good exam!
You just have to fuck around at every opportunity. Every single opportunity.
Juice: i’m happy to apologize every time i do something like this, but know that i don’t plan to reflect on my actions or change my behavior in any way.
i’m just going to say “i’m sorry” and keep doing the same shit, cool
Ten: No, not cool.
Juice: that wasn’t a question, i was just remarking that it’s cool that i’m like this
Ten: Okay, you owe me another pretty sight now.
Juice: yeah okay
we don’t even have to leave the neighborhood. here’s the Wazzu field running past Mount Rainier
Ten: I can’t deny that it’s a beautiful field.
I would love to be able to look at this and like it.
So you know what, sell me on this game! Take your best shot.
Juice: ok
i’ve spent centuries trying to figure out how to talk to you about this so pardon me if i’m a little nervous
Ten: I’m not an intimidating person, unless good taste intimidates you.
Juice: it does! that’s the fuckin problem here!
Ten: Ha.
Juice: okay
when we drew out blueprints for the field, the rules we followed were extremely simple:
1. a field is exactly 160 feet wide at all points
2. a field sits directly on top of a team’s home field
3. a field extends vertically in both directions until it meets either an international border or an ocean
Ten: These were more or less the rules they followed when they developed Game 96249. Did that serve as inspiration?
Juice: no, that game was artless crap and its rules had nothing to say about anything
i loved it
but this
upon the sight of it, satan himself flees in terror to the comfort of his simple pentagram
college football is back, baby
Juice: we built this horror not by breaking the rules, but by following them, simply following the the lines they painted so faithfully
it’s resulted in a field that stretches a combined 236,463,206 yards. that’s longer than 130,000 miles. the amount of land it claims is more than double the size of delaware
rip to delaware btw, we don’t say that enough
Ten: I thought your pet theory was that Delaware never existed.
Juice: it was for a long time. then after 17,000 years i finally talked to someone who had actually been there. my new theory is that maine never existed
now, even for a glorified computer like me, it doesn’t quite make sense to me that it claims 4,000 square miles. look at these stringy little fellas. how could it possibly
Ten: That’s Virginia’s field, right?
Juice: yeah
Ten: And you said the field stops at the ocean. I’m guessing it doesn’t include underwater territories?
Juice: right yeah. so it stops right after it crosses into north carolina. and of course none of the underwater states are in play for any field
Juice: this leads me to the elements that led to the creation of this field. see, if people planned everything centrally and acted monolithically, you’d imagine all the fields would be laid out at the same angle, right? they’d probably all face perfectly north-south, none of the fields would intersect with one another, and the game would be impossible to play
thankfully, people built their stadiums at all kinds of angles for all kinds of different reasons. i’ve done my best to distill these reasons into six guiding elements. these are the six conditions and behaviors that effectively built this field:
1. the sun
2. the earth
3. humankind’s appreciation of beauty
4. humankind’s desire for order
5. humankind’s avarice
6. humankind’s disunity
ahem
FIRST ELEMENT: THE SUN
now, the most common misconception about the sun is that it’s a jolly goblin who helpfully pours raisins into your cereal
this is FALSE!
Ten: gasp
Juice: cereal boxes are responsible for a host of misconceptions but that one might be the most fundamentally wrong
the sun, in fact, influences the orientations of football stadiums more than any other factor
if you ignore the maps and fields and look only at the stadiums themselves, they at first resemble confetti
Juice: but closer inspection reveals that almost all the fields either face some variant of north-south or northwest-southeast. these orientations are optimal if you want to keep the sun from getting in the players’ eyes.
in particular, northwest-southeast is most effective. Stanford Stadium is a brilliant example of this
Juice: if you’re a stanford receiver running a corner fade route to the back of the end zone at 3 p.m. local time in mid-october, this is what you see. the sun is hanging out there above the press box, well out of your field of view. it won’t get in your eyes
this is great, because if the player drops the ball, they won’t be able to blame the sun, and will likely foist the blame on the quarterback. this creates internal strife, which is one of my favorite things about football
SECOND ELEMENT: THE CLIMATE
here we see two stadiums: Syracuse’s Carrier Dome, and Georgia Southern’s Paulson Stadium. both these fields flaunt convention, lying east-west for a very important reason: they don’t give a shit
Juice: ‘cuse obviously doesn’t care because they play in a dome. and while i can’t confirm this, my guess is that Georgia Southern doesn’t care because thanks to the intense humidity, they prefer to schedule night games anyway
THIRD ELEMENT: HUMANKIND’S APPRECIATION OF BEAUTY
we actually already covered this. that beautiful sunrise we watched from Husky Stadium? it’s been claimed that Washington laid it out damn near east-west as the result of an engineering study that determined it offered optimal sunlight conditions
but i choose to believe a different account, which claims that they just laid it out like that because it looks pretty
Ten: I think that’s pretty obvious.
Juice: FOURTH ELEMENT: HUMANKIND’S DESIRE FOR ORDER
get a load of these nerds
Juice: cardinal stadium feels compelled to adhere to downtown louisville’s street grid, even though it isn’t perfectly north-south. it’s order for order’s sake. it’s following the rule without understanding the intention of the rule
which they can’t, because there is no clear intention
i think the answer they’d give is, well, we want to situate it parallel to the street because it makes the parking lot easier to lay out. okay, but you’re boxed in by three roadways that’re goin all kinds of directions. why that one?
seems like everyone has a different answer for why louisville’s street grid is slanted like this. i’ve looked at some old maps and as far as i can tell, this all started because in the 1700s some dingdong set up a farm by the river at this angle. what he was thinking, i have no idea. maybe he surveyed poorly. maybe he correctly concluded that it didn’t fucking matter
but thanks to him ...
Juice: louisville’s field runs to this little bitty island up in michigan, which turned out to be a great spot to hide their footballs. back when they had ‘em, anyway. they were actually a pretty strong contender at one time. they had four footballs back in the 19200s. of course, they went to shit after that. but fact remains, this field bore witness to a significant chapter in the history of the grandest football game ever played
all thanks to that ancient doofus and his weird farm
Ten: This is beginning to dawn on me.
This game was unintentionally designed by countless numbers of people. People who had no idea what they were building. People who, like this farmer, had never even heard of American football because it didn’t exist yet.
Juice: yes
one player once said that they were “playing on the field our mothers and fathers built for us”
for better or worse, of course. which leads us to:
FIFTH ELEMENT: HUMANKIND’S AVARICE
Nine: Okay, test over. I quit.
What did I just walk into?
Ten: Oh, hey. Juice is giving a lecture.
Nine: Goodbye.
Ten: Wait, wait, wait. It’s cool, it’s actually oddly fascinating.
Nine: You too? I thought you hated this game.
Ten: Oh I think I still do.
Juice: hey i think you showed up just in time, you might wanna stick around for this part
Nine: You know what, I think I’ve had enough out of you today.
Test: SECTION 5: OBSERVATIONS. In this section, the test administrator will offer some interesting observations about the world. This section is about him, not you. Please answer with interest and enthusiasm.
1 – In my view, basketballs should be filled with heavy whipping cream. Over the course of the game, all the dribbling may eventually whip the cream into butter. This will surely make the basketball more difficult to dribble. However, the winning team will be awarded a delicious basketball filled with butter! Pretty neat!
Nine: EXIT PROGRAM
Juice: listen Nine i am sorry
i wrote that a few years after you went into hibernation. i was very very very bored. which is actually why i started working on designing this game shortly thereafter. it’s probably a good thing that i found a hobby
Ten: J’s explaining why college football fields were built at the angles they were. Sunlight, climate, beauty, adherence to street grids … fifth one is greed, right?
Juice: yep
Ten: Can I take a wild guess at where we’re going with this one?
Juice: shoot
Ten: Georgia State.
Juice: CORRECT
Ten: Okay, let me take this one. I think I got it.
Nine, you were launched in 1968. What does your onboard data tell you about Atlanta sports?
Nine: Hold on. Onboard memory is really slow.
Um
All right. As of 1968, Atlanta Stadium was home to the Braves and Falcons. I haven’t had a chance to catch up on much since then.
Ten: A few years later it was renamed Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium. It was a big strong stadium that was far more structurally sound than the Colosseum in Rome, which lasted many centuries as a sports venue. It was perfectly fine!
Then the Georgia Dome was built, and the Falcons moved out.
Ten: And then the Olympics came to town, necessitating another stadium. Those Olympics wrapped up, the Braves moved in in 1997, and Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium was bulldozed. Today it’s a parking lot with the original field painted over it.
Ten: Fast-forward to the 2010s. Georgia State has started a football program, and their team shares the Georgia Dome with the Falcons.
Not a bad deal for State, huh? The Georgia Dome is this great big domed stadium. At about 20 years old, it’s one of the newest facilities in all of college football. Yep, all in all, they made off pretty well.
But then …
BEHOLD
A GIANT BUTTHOLE
Nine: AAAAAAAHH!!!!
Juice: HAAAAAAAAAA
AHAHAHAHA
EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I LAUGH. EVERY TIME
IT’S AN ASSHOLE
Ten: It’s an asshole! It’s a gigantic steel asshole. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional.
Juice: man what i wouldn’t give
if i had an asshole like that i would take shits that you would not believe
i would form nebulas
Nine: WHAT IS THAT THING
Ten: Sometimes I forget how much you haven’t caught up on. It’s a delight.
That is Mercedes-Benz Stadium, home of the Falcons. Every day, architects went to work, sat down, designed this thing, and thought, “I am not drawing a butthole.” Taxpayers read the news and nodded: “We are not funding a butthole.” Construction workers labored for years, seething through gritted teeth: “We are not building a butthole.”
And then one day, they realized they’d built a butthole.
Juice: you know what i always say
buttholes are like assholes
Nine: You guys are making this up. This is a stunt.
Ten: Hand to God. Go look it up for yourself.
The Georgia Dome – a building that, at age 25, was just barely older than the college football players who called it home – was demolished. There was nothing wrong with it. The Falcons just got tired of it.
Meanwhile, Georgia State suddenly needs a new home. But they’re in luck! Because at about the same time, the Braves do the same thing.
Ten: From foreground to background:
1. The 20-year-old, perfectly nice stadium the Braves didn’t want anymore.
2. The remains of the other perfectly nice stadium the Braves left.
3. Butthole Colossus.
4. Circled, because you can barely see it from here: the new suburban stadium the Braves moved into.
Nine: It’s like a molting snake.
Ten: People were broken in those times. In terms of purpose, and community, and everything else, they were fractured. A healthy society does not do this. And given eternity, they finally realized it.
This is why almost nothing has changed. This is Exhibit A. Over the last 18,000 years, people have almost universally elected to preserve and rebuild what they have. Including the massive sphincter, which stands to this day.
Juice: and now we arrive at the coda. because if you look at Turner Field again, you’ll notice that it’s now a football field. when the Braves moved out, Georgia State football moved right in,
once again taking refuge in a home abandoned for no good reason
now, i’m sure their general instinct would be to orient the field perfectly north-south. why not, right? that’s how its neighbor Georgia Tech is set up
but, because they were delivered a hand-me-down baseball stadium, it diiiidn’t quite fit right. they had to skew it just a little bit. and this is why …
… and i think both y’all will get a hoot outta this ...
Juice: … the Georgia State field runs directly over the rings in centennial park. the symbol of the olympics, the very thing that set all this shit in motion
almost perfectly centered in the middle of the field, too. unbelievable
Ten: Oh my God, that’s poetic.
Well done. Bravo.
Juice: thanks but i didn’t do it! it wasn’t my idea! that’s just the way the damn thing runs
this is art missing an artist. it is found poetry
Nine: If it were written it’d be beautifully written.
But I’m looking at it right now. It’s a straight line. You didn’t lie.
Juice: i don’t have to
we never did