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Premier League, Week 19 preview: Sunday's where the action is

Newcastle host Arsenal and Liverpool go to Stamford Bridge in what should be a very interesting Sunday around the league.

Michael Regan

West Ham United vs. West Bromwich Albion
The Boleyn Ground; Saturday, 12:45 GMT/7:45 AM ET

Let’s hear it for the Manifest Destiny Derby! Haha, just a little joke for the Americans out there, no offense anyone. But seriously, this game is going to be about as pleasant as westward expansion was for the collective poors of the frontier.

Aston Villa vs. Swansea City
Villa Park; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

This game might be a little better, because both sides have pretty hilarious defenses, and let’s be honest; when we talk about "good football" and "positive play" and all the rest of that kind of thing, what we mean is "this team scores and/or allows a bunch of goals" because that’s the only thing any neutral fan actually cares about.

On the other hand, bad news! You’re depending upon Libor Kozak, Nathan Dyer and/or Wilfred Bony to deliver your entertainment. The odds aren’t real good.

Hull City vs. Fulham
The K.C. Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Speaking of odds and entertainment and so forth, yuck. I mean, Hull’s okay and Fulham is coming along, but still. Gross.

Manchester City vs. Crystal Palace
Etihad Stadium; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Well, Manchester City has basically been the best team in the world at the Emirates, while Palace has beaten only Aston Villa away from home, which is functionally the same as beating the Sealand national team at home.

This won’t likely be pretty, is the point I’m trying to make.

Norwich City vs. Manchester United
Carrow Road; Saturday, 15:00 GMT/10:00 AM ET

Prior to this season, this is a game that would have been little more than a slam dunk for the home side.

This season, the bookies might actually need to spend more than 45 seconds thinking about things.

Let’s have a moment of silence for all of those lost moments of parental bonding.

(I really hope they don’t actually have children.)

Cardiff City vs. Sunderland
Cardiff City Stadium; Saturday, 17:30 GMT/12:30 AM ET

So, we are all in agreement that nope?

Very good.

Everton vs. Southampton
Goodison Park; Sunday, 13:30 GMT/8:30 AM ET

I refuse to acknowledge this game in any direct fashion, because so many People That Are Terrible On The Internet have already written tens of thousand of words, and the majority of them have undoubtedly been pretentious as all hell.

I will only say that sometimes things that people are excited about, they’re excited for good reason. So maybe you shouldn’t dismiss said things out of hand.

Newcastle United vs. Arsenal
St. James’ Park; Sunday, 13:30 GMT/8:30 AM ET

There are probably Newcastle fans out there that have convinced themselves that they’re legitimate title contenders. Somehow, that’s less deluded than Arsenal fans convincing themselves of the same.

(They’re all crazy, though. For the record.)

Chelsea vs. Liverpool
Stamford Bridge; Saturday, 16:00 GMT/11:00 AM ET

Ok, so, these teams are both pretty good. They both have some clear flaws, but that’s true of every team in the Premier League. Chelsea wins the edge on sheer talent, but Liverpool is arguably better through the first 11 and is probably better at the very top-end.

But most remarkably, Chelsea is the more likeable side. How does that even happen? Well, I think we all know how, but let’s pretend to contemplate things deeply and tut our tongues. Because all of the top sides in the Premier League are reprehensible, and making fun of any of them is a cause for celebration.

Tottenham Hotspur vs. Stoke City
White Hart Lane; Saturday, 16:00 GMT/11:00 PM ET

This game is happening at the same time as Chelsea-Liverpool. It involves Stoke.

Just resign yourself to skimming the BBC capsule and go on with your life.