For my entire life, I have harbored no ill will towards Belgium. However, today, America plays Belgium, and thus I am firm in my belief that they are the worst country, not only of the 200 or so currently existing on the Earth, but of all countries ever to have existed, on this planet and any others.
The main reason is soccer. But here are several other reasons:
1. They make waffles
It's not clear whether Belgium invented the waffle* -- people around Europe made waffley stuff for centuries -- but what's clear is that Belgians are damn good at waffle-making. The type of waffle we call a "Belgian waffle" isn't actually Belgian -- it was invented in America and it isn't called a Belgian waffle anywhere besides here, but is now our catch-all for pretty much any waffle that isn't Eggo -- but I cede that we understood Belgium was good at making waffles and called our best waffles Belgian.
However, I claim waffle superiority for America in two ways.
1. WE PUT FRIED CHICKEN ON IT
2. WE MADE IT INTO A TACO
Y'ALL INVENTED THESE FLUFFY, SWEET BATTERY DELICIOUS THINGS, WHICH WAS DOPE
BUT Y'ALL DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT FRIED CHICKEN ON IT AND MAKE IT INTO TACOS
I CAN GIVE YOU NO GRADE BETTER THAN AN INCOMPLETE
* -- As someone who has just done it, I highly recommend you read the Wikipedia page for "Waffle," which contains such sentences as "Charles IX, King of France, created the first legislation regulating waffle sales." and "By the 16th century, paintings...clearly depict the modern waffle form."
2. They make fries and commit atrocities with them
Secondly, let's talk about fries. Fries were probably invented in Belgium, but couldn't convince us to call 'em "Belgian fries" instead of "French fries," which is already a sign of weakness. (This was probably done by American soldiers in World War I who were either bad at geography or didn't care enough about Belgium to properly credit them.)
But let's not quibble about the long-ago origins of fries. What we need to talk about are the modern-day atrocities being committed right now, at this very moment, by living, breathing Belgians who have not been tried for war crimes.
They eat fries with mayo.
If I ordered fries and they were served to me in this fashion, I would call the police. Someone has committed a gloppy, egg-based emulsified sin on top of my potatoes, and I think this person belongs in prison.
Now, look, I understand: this is not straight-out-the-Hellmann's jar white stuff. It's tastier, garlicky or tomato-y paste with a mayo base.
But it's still fries with mayo on it. Fries. With mayo.
Build a wall around Belgium. Don't let its citizens leave the country without a 90-day quarantine. This is a disease, and we cannot let it contaminate the rest of the planet.
Side note: How did Belgium come up with waffles and fries and not come up with waffle fries? Idiots.
3. Dr. Evil is from there
Look, this article could just be this screencap I took from Wikipedia here:
Or this one:
They were making a comedy movie with an over-the-top evil character and someone was like "yeah make him from Belgium" and nobody had any major qualms, because that just makes sense. Belgium is an appropriately evil country for that to work.
As for real Belgians: there's Jean-Claude Van Damme, the man who made doing painful-looking splits cool, and this dude who did that awful song that you forgot about until clicking this link. You'll forget about it again within the next four minutes, and won't think about it again until February 19, 2016, when you trim your iTunes library and decide not to delete it even though you haven't listened to it in over three years.
4. They took our beer
We can't hate on Belgium's beers -- there's a rich brewing tradition in Belgium that has gifted us delicious and alcoholic dubbels and tripels, as well as saisons, and witbiers which are fine when not made by Blue Moon. We have Belgium to thank for many alcohols.
HOWEVER. We do have a little issue to settle with them. It's over these guys:
That, of course, is Budweiser, the most American beer imaginable. Hate on it if you must, but I can't think of a cheap beer I'd rather drink.
Budweiser's parent company, Anheuser-Busch, was bought by Belgian giant InBev in 2008. This has prompted many people -- many of whom use the Internet! -- to say "well actually Budweiser isn't really American any more you jerk stop drinking Budweiser:"
Consider this your first official reminder that you should be drinking Budweiser on Tuesday afternoon only if you're supporting Belgium
— Fired Bill Carmody (@firebillcarmody) June 29, 2014
If you post anything tomorrow about being American and drinking Budweiser while we're playing Belgium you're an idiot— Andrew Naylor (@Nails811) June 30, 2014
It's true: Budweiser is owned by a Belgian company. If you'd like to support a local craft brewery instead, please do.
But I want to make it clear that Budweiser, the brand is merely one in a string of nationally loved beers that's been conquered by an evil Belgian supergiant. Brahma, the beer we see people chugging out of diesel cans at the World Cup? Owned by InBev. LaBatt, the world's second-most Canadian beer? Owned by InBev. St. Pauli Girl, the beer featuring a large-breasted blonde German lady in lederhosen, brewed since 1857? Owned by InBev, as are Franziskaner and Spaten. They brew Oranjeboom in the Netherlands, and Quilmes in Argentina, and Cass in South Korea.
InBev's goal is to take the beers you associate with your homeland and own them. They are like those aliens from Independence Day that go from planet to planet, draining them of their resources, except they're just getting us drunk and taking our money. Budweiser is still American, and LaBatt is still Canadian, and Brahma is still Brazilian. However, we must harbor resentment and hate for the parasitic Belgian giant.
These are just random things I couldn't form into overarching thoughts:
- A large part of Belgium is called "Flanders." You named half your damn country after this guy:
2. People in Flanders speak Dutch, specifically dialects generally referred to as "Flemish." You named your damn language after phlegm
3. The French-speaking part of the country is called Wallonia, and its inhabitants are called Walloons. I just really like the word "Walloons" is all
4. Pick a damn language
5. Belgium has a King, Phillippe I. He looks like Your Friend's Dad. I basically want to point out that having a King in 2014 is kinda funny because Kings used to fight in wars and get assassinated and now they're just super-rich people that take photos, avoid paparazzi and have blonde spouses. I would like to be a prince of someplace.
6. In 2013, King Albert II abdicated the throne at the age of 81 for health reasons. YEAHHHHHHH EVEN THE KING OF BELGIUM WAS LIKE "HAHAAAAA I'M OUTTA HERE BELGIUM SUUUUUUUUUCKS"
7. Sweet flag, rotated Germany
8. Brussels Sprouts suck
9. In Bruges is a really good movie
Okay I'm outta things