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Tokyo Sexwale and the candidates for FIFA president, ranked by their spectacular names


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1. Tokyo Sexwale. As an ignorant gaijin, my understanding of Japanese culture is limited to musical toilets, weird à la carte sex stuff, and that cat who ran a train station (RIP). Which is to say: "Tokyo Sex Whale" is juuuuust believable enough to be a real aquatic mammal and/or sex act. Tokyo Sexwale isn't merely a name; it is a journey of the imagination.

2. Jerome Champagne. Slightly less believable than Ron Mexico or Joey Freshwater, but infinitely more suave. It is the fake name James Bond would come up with if he had the intellect of Lane Kiffin.

3. Musa Bility. What's your moose ability? Mine is scraping through frost to eat, like, moss and shit.

4. Gianni Infantino. Literally Italian for JOHNNY BABY.

5. Sheikh Salman.


6. David Nakhid. Nah, kid. A last name that kinda insinuates nudity ain't get you high on this list.

7. Prince Ali. The only candidate for FIFA president who is also a character in a Disney film. "Prince Ali, corrupt is he, Ali Abaaaaabwaaaa! Buying votes with pricy mink coats, definitelyyyyy."

8. Michel Platini. This asshole's gonna win, isn't he?