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Meet Gonzalo Jara. On Wednesday night, he stuck a finger up Edinson Cavani's butt. Then he dove, pretending he got smacked in the face. Cavani got a red card.
While that helped Chile to a 1-0 win over Uruguay, it might have hurt their chances of winning Copa America. It looks like Jara is going to be suspended for the remainder of the tournament. Chile are really thin in defense, so he's a huge loss.
In light of this, let's remember the time Jara grabbed Luis Suarez's penis and Suarez responded by punching him in the face.
In the news
Everton have signed Gerard Deulofeu for about £5m. (Everton FC)
Juventus have sold their half of Domenico Berardi to Sassuolo. What?!? (Juventus)
Your goal of the day is this thunderbolt by D.C. United's Conor Doyle.
Lukas Podolski says he made a mistake joining Inter Milan. (Guardian)
England were crap at the U-21s but Gareth Southgate wants to stay. (BBC)
Schalke have signed Brazilian defender Junior Caicara. (Bundesliga)
Saido Berahino should be fit for the new season after picking up a knee injury. (Guardian)
Napoli say Gonzalo Higuain is going to cost €94m. (Football Italia)
Surefire sign someone is getting a transfer: David De Gea's house is for sale. (Mirror)
You should be reading
Meg Linehan on Abby Wambach's fall from grace. (Vice)
Miriti Murungi asks if Qatar keeping the World Cup is the least messed up solution to the 2022 mess. (Soccer Gods)
Dustin Ward gets crazy with analysis of one AC Milan game. (Stats Bomb)
Fun with transfer rumors
The section in which nothing should be taken seriously. It's rumor season, so this section will be expanded, and as the summer rolls on, it will probably be bigger than the actual news section.
Douglas Costa is close to signing for Bayern for €35m. (Sport1.de)
Liverpool should lock up Nathaniel Clyne for £12.5m. (Telegraph)
Is Romelu Lukaku headed to Roma? (Football Italia)
Sergio Ramos has asked Real Madrid to negotiate offers for him. (AS)
And they might replace him with Laurent Koscielny. (Mirror)
Morgan Schneiderlin is leaving Southampton, but who will pay? (Daily Mail)
Butt-fondling aside, Chile were pretty good, Jorge Valdivia especially so.
Portugal and Sweden stood around and played the handshakeiest handshake draw ever.
What to watch on Thursday (click for listings, all times ET)
Copa America: Bolivia vs. Peru (7:30 p,m.) - Yes, one of these teams will be in the semifinal. Amazing.