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I can't believe the USMNT lost to Honduras

Ventura Alvarado was so young.

Chris Covatta/Getty Images

If you watched Tuesday's Gold Cup game where the United States took on a storming Honduras side, you may have been deceived into thinking that the U.S. won the game, since the scoreboard indicated a 2-1 victory in their favor. You were lied to.

Clint Dempsey may have scored two goals, which is numerically larger than the one scored by Carlos Discua, but this is a Pyrrhic victory if there ever was one.

Look at what happened to one Ventura Alvarado, a defender for the United States:

I saw that and got physically ill. I haven't seen so many twists and turns on TV since I first watched the ending of The Departed. Alvarado must have felt like he was in an M. Night Shyamalan horror flick. He got mixed so badly that he just runs away from the ball instead of even trying to catch up to Andy Najar. He doesn't even want to see another soccer ball in his life. Just look at how he's running away from play, like he's trying to avoid the cruel glare of the camera and the omnipresent sense of disappointment of his watching mother.

Najar shook Alvarado so badly that he left him in pixelated form. It's like when someone accidentally kicks an N64 system and the game picture is distorted and frozen. The trainers are going to have to hit the reset button on his brain and then blow into the cassette of his heart before he'll be comfortable on a soccer field again. He's going to break out into cold sweats any time he sees a defender coming at him at high speeds again. The U.S. might need to just get a new copy of the Alvarado game.

This just reminds me of the war scenes from Forrest Gump. In this case, Alvarado is basically Lieutenant Dan. Even though he survived, there's no way he'll be able to ever use those legs again and all that will be left for him is to join Dempsey on his shrimping boat and to invest in Apple. Get this young man some magic legs please.

It's like, you're so amazed at Najar giving Alvarado more turns than the Ross and Rachel relationship that you can't even process the fact that he threw DeAndre Yedlin into oblivion like the Spartans did their unable children. Did anyone even come into this game knowing that Najar was both Sir-Mix-A-Lot and Cain Marko?

It seems like a huge thing to miss on the scouting report: that this man has the ability to saute the soul of your young defender before running into the future of United States men's soccer like the Kool-Aid man. He just tosses Yedlin out like Yedlin is Jazzy Jeff. It's summertime, this is just demeaning and uncalled for. He's mocking the co-creator of our nation's sunny season anthem.

I just really hope Alvarado is okay. I hope the scoreline lifts his spirits because I haven't seen a dude fall for so many mixed signals since the aforementioned Forrest Gump was asking Jenny why she didn't love him. Alvarado is out there dancing to "Sweet Home Alabama" not knowing that his calls won't be answered the next day. It almost breaks your heart, if it wasn't so hilarious watching a human being break down quicker than a Jenga game between Marvin the Martian and Taz.

Like, his upper body is leaning to the left and yet, his lower body was still somehow trying to get the ball. Najar turned him into a stretched out Mr. Fantastic. But the first Fantastic Four Reed Richards. The bad one.

Anyways, I'm just glad the team was able to start the tournament well, and hopefully they collected enough pieces of Alvarado to be able to put him back together before the next game ...


Crap, probably not.


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