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Harry Kane is absolutely buzzing about playing golf and walking his dogs

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England’s captain and two-goal hero against Tunisia is a huge normie. Also, I’m sorry for popularizing his meme.

Tunisia v England: Group G - 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia Photo by Alex Morton/Getty Images

Let’s talk about Harry Kane, hero of England’s 2-1 win against Tunisia, scorer of a hat trick against Panama, and leader in the World Cup golden boot race.

Kane is absolutely buzzing to be putting in this kind of a performance at the World Cup. He’s always absolutely buzzing. He’s never given a post-match interview following a win where he didn’t tell you that he’s absolutely buzzing.

If you’re not familiar with Kane, it would be tough to figure out from surface-level information that he hasn’t quite achieved megastar status. He’s the captain of England. He’s scored 135 goals over the past four club seasons, and this one was the best of his career, with 41 goals in 48 games.

A big part of his relatively low profile has to do with the fact that he plays for Tottenham Hotspur, who hasn’t won the English top flight since 1961. But his personality is a bigger reason why, and it contributes to him staying at Spurs too — despite links to clubs that would give him a huge raise and a chance to win trophies, Kane signs a new below-market-rate contract every year. It seems like he really just does want to play for the club he supported when he was a kid. Not out of a sense of duty or moral code, but because he’s content with it. Tottenham fans love this, they’re absolutely buzzing about it.

Absolutely buzzing. It’s the perfect catchphrase for a huge normie like Kane because it sounds like something your dad might say, as if it’s a common phrase that everyone uses. He doesn’t care that he sounds uncool, and that no one else on earth talks like that.

Another element of Kane’s perceived uncoolness is that he is among the most slack-jawed humans on the planet. It’s just impossible to look like an international superstar while you’re walking around with your mouth agape. This sounds like a very weird thing to point out, but look at all of these David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo Armani underwear ads, if you won’t get fired from your job for doing so. Mouths shut on every one.

There’s one photo on Kane’s Instagram where he has his mouth shut, and he’s hardly recognizable. He looks like a completely different person — one that might be the face of several brands, even.

But it seems like it would never occur to him to attempt to be the face of any brands. Sure, he’ll show up to a photo shoot when his agent tells him to, stand in the right place for a couple hours, and collect the check. There’s no Harry Kane Brand Strategy, though. He’s catching up on the latest Netflix originals with his fiancée, who he’s been with since high school. He’d rather spend time with their dogs, Brady and Wilson, named after the NFL quarterbacks. You can probably sort out which one is which.

“If I need to relax, I take them both out for a walk, or I play a round of golf,” Kane told Sam Parker for Esquire. “I can’t remember the last time I went to a club ... Obviously, everyone’s different, but I love just settling down and having a barbecue with my friends at the house.”

This is followed by an unreal exchange in which Kane says he won’t drink alcohol on vacation because he’s “probably not allowed,” since it might negatively affect his fitness, so he will instead ingest a beverage that has 39 grams of sugar per 12 ounce serving.

Fans needn’t fear, though, as there’s no danger of Kane getting out of shape.

“Obviously, I’ve got to stay fit, so I’ll work out in the morning then chill by the pool the rest of the day.”

Will he have a few cocktails?

“Not me. I’m probably not allowed. I’ll just stick to Coke.”

The previous generation of England stars married models and TV presenters, got photographed drunk at the club on a regular basis, and seemed to very much enjoy all kinds of fun rich people things that you and I will never experience. They’ve been replaced by a guy that the tabloids don’t even know what to do with because he’s Your Dad, 24 going on 50.

We didn’t know any of this when we started the memes. If you’re a Tottenham supporter, you’re welcome, I guess? And if you don’t care for Tottenham, I’m very sorry that your Twitter timeline is now regularly flooded with people spamming “HERE I AM” at 8 a.m. on Saturday.

In 2011, Kane was an up-and-coming teenager who no one expected to morph into a superstar. The community at Cartilage Free Captain was honestly just hoping he’d become a decent squad player when we got excited by the Europa League performances of our academy standout. One commenter noted that his name sounded like “hurricane.” The Photoshops emerged. Another member of the community posted “HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HARRY KANE” in a game thread and several people loved it. The meme re-emerged and spread like wildfire once Kane started banging in goals on a regular basis, four years later.

Like everything that’s funny and organic and cool, the meme has been stolen from the community. It’s been co-opted by brands, and I’m sorry for that too. We could have just let it be a community thing, but we started tweeting it, and then other people started tweeting it, one thing led to another, and now verified media company accounts are jacking community GIFs for engagement stats.

I hope Harry Kane likes the meme. I think he probably does, because it’s an extremely normie meme. It’s the kind of thing that you would enjoy very much if you enjoy playing golf, walking the dogs and watching Chef’s Table more than you enjoy doing cool shit. He’s probably absolutely buzzing to have this kind of fan support.