Swiss winger Xherdan Shaqiri secured a win for Switzerland against Serbia in the 90th minute with a beautiful display of offensive control against a Serbian defense that somehow allowed him to have a one-on-one opportunity, which he expertly slid in the back of the net.
If you missed the goal, which puts the Swiss side in great position to advance out of Group E, it was a prime example of all the things Shaqiri does best and why you really shouldn’t leave him alone with one of your defenders.
GOAL! XHERDAN SHAQIRI IN THE LAST MINUTE! SUPER COMPOSED FINISH!!#WorldCup #SRB #SUI #SRBSUI pic.twitter.com/to5ObmjRhH— FIFA World Cup (@WorIdCupUpdates) June 22, 2018
The goal itself is not what we are here to talk about.
Because even more jaw dropping than the strike itself was the celebration that followed, where the most compact and solid person competing at the World Cup whipped his shirt off and completely hulked out.
To cut to the chase, CHRIST ALMIGHTY I WILL BE SEEING SHAQIRI’S PELVIC MUSCLES IN MY DREAMS. AND MY NIGHTMARES. BOTH PELVIC BONE FOR EACH THOSE THINGS.
Those pelvic muscles could distract two countries about to declare war on each other. There’s more ridges and valleys there than the Blue Ridge Mountains have to offer.
They’re impressive even before we point out that if his shorts were a half an inch lower FOX Sports would be preparing a panicked statement apologizing to American families for the NSFW slip-up (slip-down?) during their coverage.
Let’s take a quick step back and appreciate the rest of this photo though. The pelvic muscles (which I have to keep calling them because I was specifically told I was not allowed to use the more blue term for that area, and ... fair) blind you from the rest of what’s happening here. There’s so much happening.
If he didn’t have the upper body to back it up, this face would be what you see on Jacksonville security footage trying to catch a guy who got in a bar fight in broad daylight and left a $200 tab behind.
The shoulders though. His shoulders have shoulders. His pecs aren’t even that small! But they look like they’ve been Photoshopped onto his body when compared to the science experiment happening around his neck and deltoids.
His butt is his thicc boy super power (see below) but his shoulders are where thiccness reserves are stored when not in use.
His butt is Shaqiri So Thicc, Issue 1, Volume 1, Collector’s Edition. His shoulders are the unknown origin story we find out about halfway through the run.
You’re welcome for this edit, by the way. Feel free to go ahead and do the ol’ [Right Click] + [Save As] + “Shaqiri Pelvis” before we wrap this up.
Because what’s happening here is the World Cup at its best. During a pure, uninhibited celebration where the celebrator is in the middle of popping multiple blood vessels flexing every muscle in his body, his pants are a breath and a prayer away from being around his ankles.
Unfortunately, that’s the content we crave but not the content we earned today. Shaqiri’s pants stayed on just barely and we got this NSFW-adjacent celebration out of it. Maybe next time he can give us a butt shot to truly appreciate all he has to offer. For now, game winning goals and a not-insignificant amount of his pubic area is what’s happening.