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Own Goal is the best player of the 2018 World Cup

Own Goal has surpassed his previous World Cup goal record, so let’s rank his goals.

Morocco v Iran: Group B - 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia Photo by Francois Nel/Getty Images

Own Goal is the player of the 2018 World Cup.

In just the third round of group stage matches, Own Goal passed his previous record of six goals in a World Cup, scoring his seventh about halfway through the tournament. The only somewhat surprising thing is that it took Own Goal this long — after a blinding start, including four goals in just the first few days of the tournament, Own Goal slowed down slightly, but still got to seven by the end of the group stage.

Update: We’re now on eight. OWN GOAL IS UNSTOPPABLE.

Yes, for the purposes of this blog, Own Goal is a person. I like to imagine that when he was born he was supposed to be named Owen Goal but they misspelled his name on the birth certificate and he had some pretty chill parents who just decided to roll with it. He’s into post-punk music (huge fan of Joy Division) and loves Eritrean food. He has a younger brother, Tim Goal, but they don’t keep in touch as much as they should.

Also he brings misery wherever he goes.

Anyway, let’s rank Own Goal’s goals so far.

8. Oghenekaro Etebo of Nigeria

Etebo here has a nice touch at the back post to finish on his own net, but this is pretty much a tap in. You expect him to finish from there.

7. Denis Cheryshev of Russia

Cheryshev didn’t have too much intent here, one has to think, but great goal-scorers find a way to finish no matter what.

6. Thiago Cionek of Poland

This is just a class finish from Cioneck. A hard ball played into feet inside the 18-yard box, and Cioneck coolly finishes it low corner of his own net. Composure is what separates the good from the great.

5. Ahmed Fathi of Egypt

What’s so nice about Fathi’s finish here is he’s dealing with the physical play of the opponent. Finishing is hard enough as it is, but when you’re getting shoved, it takes that extra moment of concentration to complete the act. This is clinical.

4. Aziz Bouhaddouz of Morocco

This isn’t ranked so high purely because it was a beautiful finish, though it was that. Rather, Bouhaddouz’s goal is our #2 goal because of the stakes — a game-winner in stoppage time. Big own goalers rise to the occasion when the occasion demands it.

3. Aziz Behich of Australia

This is just pure class. Behich gets involved in a beautiful run of play, feints as if he’s going to swing at the ball hard, but just catches it delicately as it pops up and over the keeper, off the crossbar, and in. This is a spectacular finish from someone who is undoubtedly completely horrified by it.

2. Edson Alvarez of Mexico

The wild swing. The unlucky bounce. The stakes.

1. Yann Sommer of Switzerland

NO LOOK HEADER OFF THE PK SOMMER YOU ABSOLUTE LEGEND.