clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

An incomplete list of French people who would do a better job coaching France than Didier Deschamps

1. Arsene Wenger 2. The Laughing Cow

Denmark v France: Group C - 2018 FIFA World Cup Russia Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images

There are worse sides at the 2018 World Cup than France, but there are none more frustrating. Ideally, each member of a football team complements and enhances the next, which makes the whole machine something more than the sum of its parts.

France seems to be doing the opposite. The parts are as good as any in the world, and better than most. But the team aches and clanks, moans and sputters, and occasionally just grinds to a halt. This week’s miserable slog against Denmark was another such example: brilliant footballers chafing against one another, and nothing much happening. The result was the first nil-nil draw of the tournament, and we’re all two hours closer to death.

We can do better. We need to do better.

Here is an (incomplete) list of French folk who could be having more fun with the French side than Didier Deschamps:

  • Arsène Wenger
  • the Laughing Cow
  • Valeny
  • Nicole Collard
  • at least 80 percent of all the teenagers in France who have played FIFA more than once
  • Eric Cantona
  • Getafix
  • Isabelle Huppert
  • Footix
  • Ettie
  • Paul Pogba
  • Gustave Flaubert (d. 1821)
  • Raymond Domenech
  • Marianne
  • the Magic Square
  • Super Victor
  • Louis Bien’s mother
  • Patrice Evra
  • No Exit
  • Catherine Deneuve
  • Thomas Voeckler
  • The Gainsbourgs
  • Patrice Evra’s bow tie
  • Alain Passard
  • an ondes Martenot
  • the band Phoenix
  • Gérard Depardieu (who actually lives in Russia these days, so that’s convenient)
  • Louisa Nécib
  • Zinedine Zidane
  • this scene from Holy Motors: