A tactical breakdown of the Democratic Presidential candidate soccer team

Hello friends, I’d like you to check out this extremely good tweet about the next Democratic presidential debate.

This is a real soccer team now, in my head, and I’d like to break it down tactically for you.

Goalkeeper — Marianne Williamson: The above graphic has omitted the goalkeeper, but my pal Ben has an excellent idea.

Marianne Williamson is Rene Higuita.

Left back — Julian Castro: Your standard modern fullback. Decent defensively, decent going forward, can put in a cross with his left. No serious deficiencies, and no one has any problem with his inclusion in the team.

Right back — Joe Biden: An old-school, no-nonsense fullback. Thinks players like Dani Alves have ruined the modern game and bemoans the lost art of conservative fullback play. Like Gary Neville, but still around somehow.

Center back — Pete Buttigieg: Tiny for a center back. Intelligent and technical, he fancies himself a regular Fabio Cannavaro. In reality, he’s probably unsuited to this job.

Center back — Cory Booker: The more athletic center back you need to cover for having someone like Mayor Pete in your back line. Looks world class for several games at a time before making an embarrassing gaffe. Very similar to Dejan Lovren.

Defensive midfielder — Amy Klobuchar: A true enforcer. “When you play against Klobuchar, you know you’ve been in a game,” NBC analyst Lee Dixon loves to say. Klobuchar thinks Roy Keane was a wuss.

Central midfielder — Kamala Harris: A bit out of position, but there’s no one better to fill her role. She’d like to be a less physical, more technically savvy version of the enforcer, but she’s being forced into a more progressive role.

Central midfielder — Beto O’Rourke: Half the fans bemoan his inclusion. What does Beto even do, they ask? Does he have any elite skills? What does he add to the team? His supporters can’t believe the people who don’t recognize his quality, and say he does tons of things that don’t show up on the stat sheet.

Left winger — Andrew Yang: No flashy dribbling, no flicks and tricks, just cutting inside and smashing the hell out of the ball with his right foot.

Right winger — Bernie Sanders: The team’s most ambitious player, but also the one who commits the most turnovers. He’s not the MVP and his worst performances drive the supporters nuts, but given the lack of flash from the rest of the squad, he’s very necessary.

Striker — Elizabeth Warren: Maybe you’d prefer a No. 9 who’s a bit more ruthless in front of goal, but she’s unselfish and sets up Yang, Sanders and Harris to bang them in. This squad’s Roberto Firmino.